If I could put down in words absolutely everything I have learned and loved,
I would still be leaving out the very best parts.
Recently a significant shift happened in my self-understanding.
Maybe it was just a nudge, but it worked.
Three factors keep guiding my life to greater insights and personal growth – proper instruction with time to practice, access to those who know more and had attended the goals I am seeking – in the form of texts, lectures and living contact, and fellowship.
I am trying to heal what white coats and medical journals declare to be fatal.
I am also trying to attain that which others say only the wise blessed ones can attain and maintain.
My experience, texts, and living teachers state that healing is possible and attaining a mind free of fear and doubt is within everyone one’s reach.
I write to me and share with you to create that fellowship that I lack.
If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
I read all your letters, text messages, and voice messages.
I rarely have the time nor strength (at this moment) to reply to each of you individually.
My reply comes back to you with joy in my heart, greater healing of my mind and body, and in these letters.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Today is Tuesday, April 30, 2024.
Here is a collection of my reflections that have blossomed in my heart since I last wrote.
I had just learned that I must re-start chemotherapy for 3 more rounds.
I finished my 10 rounds of bone radiation and started chemotherapy this week.
Through God’s grace and Terri’s untiring diligence, she has created protocols that have greatly minimized the side effects of both chemotherapy and radiation. Thus, my discomfort for the next 2-3 months will be minimal. This is a drastic improvement from last November and earlier.
These new game-changers maintaining my quality of life include herbs, nutrients, and digestive support.
The major upgrade is my attitudinal changes and my outlook on the future resulting in bolstering my level of participation in getting myself well.
For example…
My cancer diagnosis made me afraid of falling in love with my granddaughters. These infants and toddlers were the living embodiment of giggles, love, and laughter. I saw my death as an up-and-coming event, I did not want to be the first person in their lives to evoke sadness and grief. Not anymore. Only Terri was able to antidote this raw poisonous venom in my mind and kick me back into their lives with unlimited joy. Thank you, Terri.
The Zombie be Gone
Remember how I wrote about my gait challenges? Walking was like floating in outer space making me feel like a zombie. The worst part was that I believed this vertigo was brain damage from chemotherapy and I would never be able to hike or walk straight down the sidewalk ever again. BUT…Terri sent me to a physical therapist. In the initial interview and treatment, Aubrey resolved my vertigo in 15 minutes, calling it an inner ear problem: “benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV).” A huge fear of mine was destroyed in a few minutes. Once again proving that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. Thank you, Aubrey.
Journaling has been a huge help…
When I trap my mind on paper, it cannot escape my full inspection. I realized I have always had the editorial power and privilege to dispel its lies and misdirection.
I am the author of both my ego’s fiction and non-fiction versions of my life.
It has made a dramatic difference!
The benefit of trapping the ego’s exaggerations is how quickly these lies become ridiculous.
When brought out in the light of day, fear (once again) tumbles to the floor.
I started to see once again the real me. I had been missing for a while since cancer knocked down one of my ego’s doors.
I found the real me again, at first on paper and then in real life.
The Original Blair #1 returned (OB1).
Within days my fatalistic illness paradigm shifted.
The world that had always challenged me started to crumble (even more).
No longer was pain and pleasure, love and hate,
reward and punishment dominating my mindscape.
I couldn’t do it any longer. I have stage 4 cancer that the white coats say is fatal.
I don’t have time for fear and regret, nor for praise and validation.
Maybe none of us do.
It also became terribly obvious that I needed to be more consistent in my routines if I really want to heal and recover. How important is it to me to stay alive?
Last time I wrote to myself, I said it was time to give a shift.
Well, it happened. Yep!! Shift Happens
Maybe it was just a nudge. But it worked.
This tipping point arrived at 9:30pm on Saturday night, April 20th, 2024.
I had been pouring over a stream of ideas, insights, and strategies on self-forgiveness.
Condemning myself for getting sick had to stop.
It was not good for me, my marriage, nor my efforts to heal my mind and body.
Becoming too weak to work, to do home chores and to assist with the grandchildren had taken a huge toll on my self-esteem.
Forgiving meant I had to dig deep and digest it, learn from it, and let go of it.
This was not easy nor comfortable…until finally a moment of clarity burst through, and comfort came.
I had been working on embedding new coding into my neural bio-network (the brain and nervous system were the role models for computers) using my breath, mantras, EFT, visualization and affirmations – some were quite new to me…because I doubted their validity. But they were all essential components.
Healing required me to keep re-wiring the pathways in my amygdala and expanding the dominance of my heart so that it would override the negative thought-loops and their emotional trigger patterns.
I had too much head trash that was no longer serving me and that I no longer needed.
I changed and started ‘rehearsing a new future.’
Some of my new initial prompts were focus driven questions and affirmations.
But this meant I had to learn a useful definition of ‘affirmation.’
One that I could accept and apply with full confidence. They were some of my doubts.
The reference books say that an affirmation is the act of confirming something to be true.
It is a thought, a written statement, or an oral statement that confirms something is true.
True…?
Then I had to define what is true, what is truth.
For years I had always defined truth from an experiential point of view – one that anyone could validate:
‘Truth is that which opens your heart and quiets your mind.’
Truth never needs validation; the human heart instantly recognizes and acknowledges whenever truth is revealed – orally, in writing, and in any form of art (including music).
We see it, we hear it, we read it and instantly we know it is perfectly true.
Truth does not need us to collect votes to check its validity.
Truth is not a democracy. It is revealed knowledge from our hearts clear and pure.
It is completely correct and connects all the dots from every perspective.
It’s insights and guidance are never threatening nor confusing.
It is soothing and fulfilling.
Truth is different than facts.
Facts can frighten and be weaponized to manipulate and coerce.
Facts are temporal and can be disproven.
Facts, like peace, are temporal. Tranquility is not.
You can write a book about War and Peace, but not about War and Tranquility.
I had to let go of whoever I thought I was so that I could become who I really am.
That means I had to give up my memories. This is an ongoing task.
I no longer have time for unfinished business.
Time of egoic death, 9:30pm.
There is a higher joy.
One that I have never spoken of. It is a joy that is never dimmed by death, decay, diagnostic labels, nor debility. It is one that lives in my heart.
We all have a primordial memory of joy. How much is conscious or unconscious varies from person to person. It is why we always seek out that which makes us better, happier, healthier, and wealthier. Reconnecting with that inherent internal eternal joy is our life’s journey.
Someday I will sit with glee in the middle of my bodily fortress as the walls burn down around me yet leaving me fully intact and untouched.
For decades I have practiced for such a moment using sleep – the little sister of death – as my aid and training ground. Relaxation, rest, and sleep as I described in Chapters 7 & 8 in The Happiness Revolution served as my training wheels for learning to coast between the waking, dreaming, and sleeping states of consciousness, and eventually to what lays beyond them. This path develops inner vision to the world of continuity, eternity and the peace that passes all understanding. This became my playground of peace and humor and joy.
Constant consistent practice creates new neuropathways gradually leading to experiences and realizations of new insights and identities. Inner experiences are undeniable and unforgettable. They become the foundation for a new way of seeing and responding to myself and my world.
Practicing and maintaining this higher awareness requires inner accountability, enlightened fellowship (us), and living loving teachers dispelling the erroneous perceptions of my lower egoic mind.
Diet changes that support my brain and nervous system, breathing practices, inspired priorities, and movement (think: exercise, musculoskeletal strengthening and tone, and systematic relaxation of the body) had to be a daily part of my life.
Here is how I am living through this:
Three Principles
My self-transformation has always been supported by:
Proper instruction
Personal practice and self-study
Inspired fellowship of those who have attained the goal I seek.
[I was told, if you are the smartest person in the room, you need to go to a different room.]
Three Tasks
These tasks are way out of my comfort zone and sky high on my learning curve:
Rehearsing the Future
Accountability
True Joy – an inside job that gradually becomes visible
All three tasks are ongoing.
We can explore them some day.
Thank you for all your sharing that you send back to me.
Love,
Blair (OB1) and Terri
The heart cannot believe something that is not believable.