Can I survive this one? Probably, it seems to be my trend.
In 48 hours, I start my 15th round of chemotherapy. My mind is charging full speed in a multitude of directions trying to cope with this upcoming event. It desperately needs my help. Am I afraid? My mind would answer, “Somewhat.”
But what about me?
It feels like June 11th has my mind backed into a corner…again. 15 times I still face new and similar trains of thought about survival and surrender, peace and pathology, wonder and worry. As I feverishly pin down my mind on paper and on the keyboard, my higher self continues to win the battle over fear.
If I don’t quiet my mind with my breath and with the EFT tapping, then my experience is terribly uncomfortable. Fellowship becomes my solution. Solitude sucks if I don’t take charge. Terri talks me down, greeting cards remind me of others cheering me on, and my favorite books (audio or otherwise) keep me together.
…Luckily my breath and my mantra are always immediately on hand.
Over the last 5 days I have been reflecting on…
Taking care of unfinished business
A long time ago, I spent a weekend with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and a bonfire in my college parking lot. You may know her work and writings on Death and Dying from the 1970’s — in person this tiny chain-smoking woman is a dynamo of challenges and insights about not fearing nor ignoring death. A weekend with her during my Physician Assistant training was life changing. After surviving her shocking and tear-jerking challenges, we had to write essays about what would we do if we only had 5 days to live.
That night we read our stories to the group and then offered the papers into the bonfire. She closed out the night chanting repeatedly, “Prove to me that you will not be dead in 5 days!” She demanded that we never go to bed without taking care of any unfinished business in our relationships.
Satisfaction – as in ‘I can’t get no satisf…’
How Bio-Identical Hormone Treatments gave me more proof that you can never get enough of that which does not satisfy you. When we lived in Texas, I met a cadre of men getting injections of testosterone beads to maintain their sexual prowess.
They were many years my senior and yet they were constantly seeking ways to enhance their virility. Satisfaction eluded them, but they seemed to never give up. Somehow, listening to their aging body and obeying the laws of nature was foreign to them.
The removal of fear is the most lofty spiritual act.
The greatest fear is always the fear of death, whether it be the death of the body, the death of one’s reputation, or the death of one’s relationships or income stream.
Death in our home is a topic to explore, not some tragic scary plot twist. Just something that everyone gets to experience…eventually…
I have heard that we have many more reasons to have cancer than to not have cancer.
That we have many more reasons to have heart disease than to not have heart disease.
We have many more reasons to have poor mental health than to not have poor mental health.
This may seem disappointing, but upon reflection, it is also true.
Once again, dis-ease means an absence of ‘ease.’ My journey to the land of ‘ease’ is my path to healing and recovery. Success leaves clues.
My journal is where I store my clues.
When we honestly and accurately see how our life-lessons can be misunderstood due to the influences of cultural, theological, and generational dogmas. Decades of constant practice are helping me softly step away from rules and conclusions that I never personally examined and approved them. My mind used to shout its favorite cheer, “If I think it, it must be true!”
It wasn’t.
Nirmala
For more than 5 years I worked with Nirmala, a nondual therapist, mentoring me in the baby steps to a higher realm of thinking and contemplation. He taught me how to integrate fractured parts of myself and my world view. A nondual therapist is a guide who leads one from the known to the unknown, and into the realms of potential and possibility reclaiming one’s primordial joy. These experiences prove that the unknown is so much larger than the tiny speck of the known.
When I finally surrender logic and proceed into this uncharted territory of the present moment there arises a freedom-based joy. It bursts forward when my senses no longer drag me out into the world of fascination and disappointment, thrills and chills, successes and failures, honors and insults.
Crossing over the realm of logic into the realm of the unknown is more fascinating and breath taking than any language can describe. And as always, it begins with a single breath and the insight that such a journey is possible.
In the tradition of nondual spiritual wisdom most profoundly disseminated by Ramana Maharshi, Nirmala offers online mentoring and is the author of many books. Twelve years ago, Terri had attended his seminars in her hometown and told me of his teachings. His book, Nothing Personal, and her stories of their time together inspired me to seek him out. https://endless-satsang.com/nondual-spiritual-mentoring
We have survived 100% of our worst days. I plan to continue this trend in my life, how about you?
Love,
Blair
Fear is selfish.
Courage is selfless.